I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
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Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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