my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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