I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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