Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
