Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
