Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
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The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
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I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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