If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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