Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
the raccoons are back...
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