I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
