He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
