So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
