Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
