So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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