im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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