Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Randomize
