There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
