1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
