Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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