What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
