So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
