Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
