My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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