Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
