I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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