my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
