I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
