Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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