I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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