I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
