Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
