Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
