Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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