yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
