My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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