I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
