You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
