just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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