Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
