Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
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We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
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I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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