bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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