we're chasing vodka with high fives
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
