The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
