I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
