listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
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I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
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No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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