dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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