I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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