did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
