I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
