I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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