I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
