my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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