the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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