Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i came on her dog
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
