I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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